Cavanaugh’s Gym Mixes Vodka and Exercise
Last week in Chrislip, twelve sweaty overweight women were serenaded through their aerobics routine by a drunken accountant singing Whitney Houston’s “Gimme More.” This wasn’t a case of sexual harassment, but the results were hardly inspirational to the aerobics class. We can’t blame Howard Michalek, CPA, who sang the lyrics “Gimme More, Gimme More, Gimme More” with as much emotion as his timid nature and cringing liver would allow. The five vodka martinis prevented him from singing anything more lyrically complex.
Instead fitness instructor Chloe Massingale blames the RIAA, the Recording Industry Association of America, who recently notified the gym that it violated copyright law whenever her class played a prerecorded mix of Top 40 dance numbers for inspiration. The RIAA insists that they are protecting the rights of their artists and their policy is not an attempt to encourage obesity. An association spokesperson even suggested that they were open to a royalty based upon pounds lost rather than the number of times a song is played.
“We’re losing money as it is,” complained Ms. Massingale. “We tried inviting a local heavy metal band to practice in the gym, but the Groin Pulls refused to play anything by Britney Spears or Lady Ga Ga. Eventually, it was just simpler to demolish the wall between the gym and MyPod, the karaoke bar next door.”
MyPod’s manager reports that the RIAA-inspired remodeling has resulted in an upsurge in business as Cavanaugh’s Gym provides local barflies with a fresh supply of “getable” women. Throughout the evening, as the men’s blood alcohol rises and their standards fall, the women find it easy to abandon their workout for someone willing to accept the pounds that they’re unable to lose.
Cavanaugh’s Gym has also embraced the new concept by replacing membership fees with a two drink minimum. Participants are even allowed to drink during their workout. “We now reward the ladies with a sip from their Cosmo when they complete a sit up,” admits Ms. Massingale. “By the end of the aerobics session they’re staggering pretty good and the class looks like a group sobriety test.”