Let’s Talk About Sex: Under the Covers with Dr. Max Trask

Dr. Maxwell Trask is chief of psychological counseling at Chrislip College. He has been telling people to snap out of it since 1958.

College is the time that you cast aside the trappings of youth and expand your world to include the rich tableau of interpersonal relationships, unless you want to spend the next four years playing with your own hoo-hoo.

Each generation seems to believe they invented all things sexual, but in fact, sex has been around for hundreds of years. George Washington and Benjamin Franklin had sex. So did Chief Sitting Bull and your grandmother. Some of the people you’d least suspect are often the ones who are doing it the most. No doubt many of today’s students grew up listening to librarian Lydia Tidwell read Uncle Wiggily during the weekly story hour. But how many of you would guess that Lydia was nicknamed “Lydia Chlamydia” in high school due to rampant diseases of her genitals?

Sex may not be new, but it’s new for you. You’re young, your hormones are raging. You’ve taken a long hard look at your sex life and decided it’s time to bring a second person into it. This is normal. Now let’s say you’ve found that special someone, and you’re about to become intimate. If you’ve managed to avoid nervous conditions such as whistling rectum and scrotum failure, your next step will be to “get busy.” I have one word of advice: take it slow. I speak from experience. When I had my first time, the young lady was also a virgin, and despite my efforts to be gentle, there was still some pain and bleeding. I felt better in a few days, though.

Now, before proceeding, there’s something else of importance to consider. Sex is dangerous. We all know about sexually-transmitted diseases such as AIDS and pregnancy – and you should probably think about using some kind of protection or something – but there’s an even more immediate danger. If you’re a first-timer, the unexpected physical bliss will more often than not cause you to thrash around like a hooked mackerel. Every year this prompts thousands of hapless Romeos to sustain injuries in tumbles out of beds, sleeping bags, and movie theater balconies. That’s why I can’t overstress the importance of proper headgear. Some doctors recommend a motorcycle helmet, but that looks silly. A standard construction helmet will give all the protection you’ll need.

This student is ready for a safe, responsible sexual encounter.  Look at those breasts.

This student is ready for a safe, responsible sexual encounter. Look at those breasts.

Your first time might be scary and it might be traumatic. But if you follow a few simple guidelines, it can be the kind of experience you’ll want to tell your grandchildren about.

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  1. Well! That certainly explains the splinters in Ben Franklin’s “little statesman!”

      • chrislipjournal
      • May 24th, 2010

      Dolly! That’s unAmerican! That’s unpatriotic! That’s… hilarious! 🙂

  2. Chrislip must be quite rural. Here in thr Metromess boys don’t exhibit any interest in girls, only videogames. The only score with a chick would be for extra points.

      • chrislipjournal
      • May 24th, 2010

      [insert “joystick” joke here] 🙂

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