Big Breasts Bring Big Smiles to Skid Row

We all do what we can to help the homeless, even if it means going out of our way to avoid kicking them in the face as we step over them in the gutter. Dr. Aaron Canby, however, is doing even more.

Dr. Canby, a plastic surgeon, has been performing cosmetic surgery on the disadvantaged since last year. The idea came to him during a stint as a street volunteer, when he was counseling the homeless to determine what led to their condition.

“They gave the usual answers,” he says. “Unemployment, substance abuse, family history of poverty. But as I looked at them, a light bulb went on. I said, ‘You may be unemployed, addicted and poor, but you’re ugly, too’. I believe that the self-loathing these people feel could simply be tied to the fact that they’re not happy with themselves physically. If they looked better, maybe they’d feel and act better.”

That’s when he took his crusade to the streets, performing plastic surgery on vagrants free of charge, and often without their knowledge.

58-year-old bag lady Gladys Hunchler prepares to beg for quarters with her grandkids outside the 7-Eleven

“We find someone passed out in the gutter, take them to the clinic, do the procedure, and return them to the gutter before they’re even aware that anything happened. Imagine waking up after a three-day drunk and discovering you’ve got cheekbones like Johnny Depp or breasts like Lindsay Lohan.”

Face-lifts and breast augmentations are the procedures most often performed on female derelicts. For the fellas, it’s butt implants and penis enlargements.

It’s not clear whether any of these ambush surgeries have actually improved lives, but there’s no doubt that they’ve prettied up Chrislip’s skid row. “I was doing volunteer work at the shelter last week,” says Dr. Canby, “when a tourist rushed in and said he was pretty sure that George Clooney and Liza Minnelli just stole his hubcaps.”

One of Dr. Canby's bewildered patients outside the homeless shelter

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  1. He should try the mega-boobs on a skid row dude. They are known to open doors, like those old style swinging ones at a saloon. We’ll keep an eye out for those hubcaps.

    • chrislipjournal
    • May 16th, 2010

    Yeah, I agree. It’s sexist to only give enormous breasts to women. Guys can truly appreciate them so much more.

  2. my girlfriend had a breast augmentation surgery and she really like the result because of a very good surgeon :;-

      • chrislipjournal
      • November 22nd, 2010

      Chrislip has a nifty “buy one get one free” deal.

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