Chrislip 911 Operator Caught in Phone Sex Scandal

Twenty times a day, Chrislip’s gay community, Jeffrey Roland, picks up the phone and says, “911, can I help you?”  As an emergency dispatcher, he’s spoken to all of us in our most desperate hour of need, whether we’ve had a heart attack and are gasping for what might be our last breath or whether we’ve gotten a certain male appendage stuck in the vacuum cleaner… again.  Admittedly, that last one hasn’t happened yet while Jeffrey is on duty in the sheriff’s office.

911 dispatcher Jeffrey Roland handles all calls with professional discretion

In the six months since he was given a job in exchange for dropping a discrimination lawsuit (see Chrislip Gags Gay Man with Job), Roland has some wild stories to tell.  “Like the time that Barnes boy was so drunk that he called me from the McDonalds drive thru to complain that he couldn’t get a Whopper,” laughed Jeffrey.  “I went, ‘Girlfriend, you’ve called the right number.  Let me super-size that order!’”

Sheriff Kennedy first began receiving complaints about Roland after Chrislipians began receiving calls from “one of Santa’s elves” asking what they wanted for Christmas.  “Then I’d call their loved ones and tell them what to buy,” exclaimed Roland.  “I was giddy with power, knowing everything about everyone.  I knew what each person secretly desired, but oddly, none of those homophobes desired me.”

Barred by the Sheriff from making calls to any phone with a Chrislip prefix, Roland began answering calls for a gay sex chat line at night to supplement his meager pay. This latest indiscretion might have gone unnoticed had he not become confused and greeted an elderly woman suffering from a stroke with an offer of phone sex.  As it turns out, Sheriff Kennedy’s mother wanted an ambulance and not to be whipped or gagged.  “The voice was so low that I thought the caller was a bear who was into role-playing,” explained the now-unemployed Roland.  “I thought I was asked to play an ambulance driver who rescues a sexually dysfunctional patient.  Oh, well, anyone can make a mistake.  No biggie.”

Funeral services for the late Gladys Kennedy will be held next Monday.  She is survived by one angry sheriff.

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  1. you are a good writer. making something from nothing. i like it.

      • chrislipjournal
      • May 16th, 2010

      Thank you!

  2. Unfair! Cops are always asking “what was he wearing” like we don’t know whats going on. And those old style canister vacs, some have the fan blades close to the hole and……yeoooowwww!!! This has actually happened!

      • chrislipjournal
      • May 16th, 2010

      It happens to us every day. 😦

    • Benjamin Jones
    • May 16th, 2010

    I have to say, I love the whole idea behind the blog. Keep being creative!

      • chrislipjournal
      • May 16th, 2010

      Thanks, Benjamin. We plan to start being creative real soon. 🙂

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