Heidi Montag’s Former Nose Found in Chrislip
In preparation for the upcoming cable access program The Real Housewives of Chrislip, Christine Jefferson thinks that she might have an ace in the hole: Heidi Montag’s nose. Ms. Jefferson recently traveled to California where she met Dr. Francis Buchanan, a plastic surgeon who claimed to have access to the Hills star’s discarded parts, though how he obtained them is officially unknown.
“That’s the dirty little secret in the Hollywood beauty business,” admitted Dr. Buchanan. “We give the stars a discount, but we re-purpose what’s left over, just so long as the scraps aren’t seen on network TV.”
After a nose job, breast and buttock augmentation and injections of fat in her lips and cheeks, Ms. Jefferson thanked Ms. Montag for disliking so much of her body. “In fact, so many of my parts used to be called ‘Heidi’ that I’m thinking of changing my name.”
Dr. Buchanan also offered to aid the other Chrislip housewives, some of whom are considering pulling out of the show in protest of Ms. Jefferson’s extreme makeover.
“When a woman looks in the mirror, she needs to view herself through the eyes of a masturbating teenage boy,” advised the surgeon to the stars. “These boys don’t want reality. Their grandmother is real and she ruins the moment every time. They don’t care which parts their fantasy woman was born with. Let me make you a deal on Pamela Anderson’s old breast implants. Everyone loves the classics. Or I could give you a Tori Spelling ‘trout pout’.”