Lunatics and Babysitters Continue Special Relationship

Anyone who’s been to a horror movie in the past thirty-plus years knows that babysitters face dangers that the rest of us only have nightmares about. Hundreds of films have portrayed this, ranging from Halloween starring Jamie Lee Curtis and Donald Pleasence, to Halloween II starring Donald Pleasence and Jamie Lee Curtis.

You may say that’s just fiction, but Dan Matthews has done a lot of research on the subject, and he has the definitive word. “Maybe it is,” he says, “and maybe it isn’t.”

Matthews owns the Statewide Insurance Company, which sells policies only in Chrislip. The agency now offers a policy that protects against hazards faced only by babysitters. “You can bet that every girl is aware of those dangers every time she goes to a job,” Matthews says. “It’s probably in the backs of their parents’ minds, too, but it’s something that nobody ever talks about.”

He adds that pretty girls are almost exclusively at risk. It’s not nearly as dangerous if your daughter is a barker.

Movie experts say a girl with breasts like these doesn't stand a snowball's chance in hell of surviving her first babysitting job

The babysitter policy covers death or dismemberment caused by any of the following:

~ Escaped mental patients looking for their families who used to live in the house, but who don’t know that a new family lives there now.

~ Guys with metal hooks and/or knives for hands.

~ Lunatics in hockey masks (hockey players not included).

~ Children unexpectedly possessed by the souls of dead Indians.

~ Escaped convicts bent on revenge against the babysitter who sent them to prison twenty years ago, but who have decided that any babysitter will do.

Matthews stresses that his policies won’t protect girls from babysitter dangers; they merely offer financial compensation to their families in the event that the worst happens.

“Nothing can ever make up for the loss of a loved one,” he says, “but a new plasma TV comes awfully close.”

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  1. This comes as a shock. You mean people still go out?!?

    • Oh, heavens, you don’t expect them to mind their own children when Project Runway’s on, do you?

  2. project runway takes precedence over everything…

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