Census Pervert Preys on Helpful Helpless Women

Police strongly advise that you ask to see this man's credentials

The deadline for returning census forms has passed, and records show that 77% of Michigan residents have sent theirs in. The return rate is significantly lower in Chrislip, where people seem wary of government programs. All kinds of rumors circulated, including one that it was a plot to determine the population of the United States. Then the mayor told the city that the purpose was to see who’s eligible for free ice cream and balloons, and the return rate rocketed to 33%.

For those who haven’t sent in their paperwork, census workers have already begun turning up on doorsteps to get the info. However, police are warning townspeople – especially female residents – that at least one imposter is making the rounds.

The man hasn’t been identified, but was photographed by a surveillance camera (see above). According to Sheriff Clint Kennedy, he claims to be a census worker, but asks questions that no real census worker would ask.

“Basically, it was: ‘How many people live in your house? Do you have any pets? What color underpants are you wearing?’ That was the tipoff. The government doesn’t give a damn how many pets you have.”

At another woman’s house, the suspect ended his interview by dropping to his knees and whimpering, “Will you be my special cupcake?” The woman declined, explaining that she already had a cupcake, and the man fled in tears.

Sheriff Kennedy advises people to use common sense whenever a stranger comes to their door. “No real census worker is going to ask you to cuddle, or offer to take your credit cards out to be cleaned,” he says.

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  1. All kinds of rumors circulated, including one that it was a plot to determine the population of the United States.

  2. Wait a minute. So when my credit cards finally come back, they’re still gonna be DIRTY?!? JEE-zus…

    • chrislipjournal
    • May 10th, 2010

    Of course not… you won’t be getting them back. 🙂

  3. I see the problem. That guy isn’t wearing goggles, he’s got on googles!

    • chrislipjournal
    • May 13th, 2010

    I had to read that three times before I realized you weren’t saying “goggles” twice. Heh-heh.

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