Vatican to Release Its First Video Game: 59 Bullets

In a surprising move, the Vatican announced the release of its first video game, entitled “59 Bullets” (after the number of beads on the Holy Rosary).  “The church is losing touch with young men,” confessed Vatican programmer Affiano Milani.  “Or rather, after we did touch them, boys retreated into a world of senseless violence with games like Grand Theft Auto.  We want to bring them back into the fold with a wholesome game in which they hunt down the New York Times reporters who wrote negative stories about the Pontiff.”

Father Affiano Milani

Accompanying the game is a unique controller modeled after the Holy Rosary.  “After killing an opponent, the player must say ten ‘Hail Marys’ before he’s allowed to reload,” continued Milani.  A deluxe version of the controller will come with lubricated ball bearings instead of beads to enable players to pray and resume shooting quicker.

Even though the Vatican’s video game encourages prayer, Chrislip mother Linda Garner has not yet decided whether she’ll allow her son to play.  “I just have trouble with David spending so much time with a game written by an organization that tried to hide the crimes of pedophile priests.”

David’s eyesight has yet to return to normal after discovering the hidden rectory level in “59 Bullets”

“Off the record, what’s the big deal about a couple of bad priests?” countered Milani.  “If you knew what New York Times reporters ask forgiveness for, you’d cut the Church some slack.  The sins we commit are nothing compared to what we forgive.”

In related news, Activision was sued by the Vatican.  The Church claimed that the game-maker’s “Doom” franchise infringed upon God’s copyright.

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  1. “Or rather, after we did touch them, boys retreated into a world of senseless violence with games like Grand Theft Auto.”
    This is so politically not correct – and so awesome!! And spot-on. I’m sure the catholic church is actually thinking about steps like this. Heh.

      • chrislipjournal
      • May 7th, 2010

      I bet you’re right. Hmm… I wonder if the Vatican has the Chrislip Journal bookmarked…

      • You’ll know when they write you an email with the number of Hail Marys you need to do to be forgiven. ;D

  2. That is the most Jewish-looking catholic priest I’ve ever seen.

      • chrislipjournal
      • May 6th, 2010

      Father Milani converted just for the sexy altar boys. 🙂

  3. Its either this or changing the sacrament from wafers to cocktail weenies.

      • chrislipjournal
      • May 7th, 2010

      *sigh* So many jokes come to mind, all of them blasphemous.

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