“Oh, baby, is that a Schmeckler?”: Local Man Patents New Birth Control Device

Todd Schmeckler and “The Schmeckler”

Todd Schmeckler has always been an inventor at heart.  As a boy, he turned a coat hanger into a radio antenna.  He turned a bicycle into two unicycles, and vice versa.  So maybe it shouldn’t have come as a surprise when he went into his bathroom to do some plumbing work a few months ago, and came out with something even he didn’t expect – a new birth control device.

He calls it the “Schmeckler.”  Not after himself, but after his grandmother, Maude Schmeckler, who had so many children she didn’t know what to do.

Todd spent weeks in the bathroom tweaking his Schmeckler.  Finally he emerged with the finished product, pictured above.  That’s a demonstration model and isn’t the actual size, of course.  The real one is a little bigger.

The contraption is pricey, at over $300 per Schmeck.  And it’s only about half as effective as a condom.  And it can only be used once.  A test subject who tried to reuse it was badly electrocuted, which baffles Todd, since there are no electrical components in the Schmeckler.

So why would anyone pay for this contraceptive when they can get one that’s safer and more effective for a tiny fraction of the price?

“Pride of ownership,” says Todd .  “Imagine the look on your wife’s face when you come lumbering into the bedroom with one of these strapped on.”

The Schmeckler isn’t supposed to be on the market until it’s approved by the FDA, but Todd’s too excited to wait, so he’s selling them now.

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  1. Scary! Hilarious, too. And kind of yikes. Heh.

      • chrislipjournal
      • May 5th, 2010

      Todd was originally thinking of calling it the Yikes. 🙂

      • No, no, as somebody who speaks German – as I strongly suspect you do, too?! – the Schmeckler is absolutely perfect.

        Love the school band idea though. I mean, it’s always good to have options for branching out, right? Heh.

        • chrislipjournal
        • May 5th, 2010

        I don’t speak German, Tale… I’m almost afraid to ask what Schmeckler means…

  2. Only half as effective as a condom? That thing would keep me from havin’ any more babies. Or sleeping with my husband.

      • chrislipjournal
      • May 5th, 2010

      If they don’t sell as contraceptives, kids can always play them in the school band. 🙂

  3. Can’t replay directly anymore but – you really don’t?! Wow! Okay, then sit yourself down, take a deep breath and – “schmecken” means to taste so “ein Schmeckler” could be “a taster” or it could even be understood as “something that is tasty”. See, you were right to be a bit nervous about my reply. Heh.

    And @blisterina – I hope so, too!

      • chrislipjournal
      • May 5th, 2010

      Yikes! (There’s that word again.) Well, whenever there’s something embarrassing, I’ll stand up straight and bravely say, “The other guy wrote it.” 🙂

      Rob

    • Uch! “Tasty!”

      I guess in the school band that would make it a woodwind instrument.

      • We need to stop making this yuckier by the comment. At this rate I’m gonna dream of an orchester of schmeckler trying to get a taste of me. And who’s gonna pay my therapist’s bill for that trauma then? ;D

        • chrislipjournal
        • May 7th, 2010

        Hey Tale, Chrislip has a psychiatrist named Max Trask who offers free therapy. Well, maybe “free” is the wrong term… and maybe “therapy” is, too. You might have read some of his wisdom in earlier Journal articles. Here’s a link to one of them. If you think he can help you, let us know, because that would be a first for him. 🙂

        The Gentleman’s Guide to Valentine’s Day

        • chrislipjournal
        • May 7th, 2010

        That comment took a lot of brass, Dolly. 🙂

  4. Can I buy one at the Smut Hut? Need to get it on that late night cable show with the two girls demonstrating all those bizarre devices that validate the notion of why women don’t need men. But it would be a big seller here in Texas where we still teach the kids that you catch babies from toilet seats.

      • chrislipjournal
      • May 7th, 2010

      Yup, the Smut Hut has a full line of Schmecklers. Buy two and have a boffo weekend, Jerry. 🙂

      Heh-heh… “catch babies.” Love that line.

  5. Well, should I ever turn into a soon-to-be assistant night custodian at Chicken on a Stick still living in his mom’s basement, then I might. In the meantime, I’m fairly sure that I’ll be more than able to make myself crazy all by myself. ;D

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