Chrislip Debate Team Puts the “Butt” in “Rebuttal”
The Chrislip College debating team has finished another successful season, and will now embark on its quest for the district championship.
Their first opponent will be Ferris State College, a team they soundly defeated in their regular season meeting.
“A strong offense is the best defense,” says team captain Wayne Landers, “and we plan to go in with our guns blazing.”
The topic of the first Ferris-Chrislip meeting was Obama-care. Ferris State began with a well thought-out argument on the virtues of President Obama’s health plan. Captain Landers countered with, “Hey, subsidize this!”, and raised his middle finger in an obscene gesture, thrusting it up and down to maximize the effect. This demoralized the Ferris team, who never managed to recover.
“This time, the topic is Arizona’s new immigration law, so I’ll alter my strategy,” he says. “I’ll change ‘subsidize this‘ to ‘racially profile this‘. In this league, you adapt or you lose.”
Another tactic Landers used early in the season was “mooning” – lowering his pants and displaying his buttocks in a fearsome manner when cornered by opponents. Surprisingly, this wasn’t a very effective tool until he turned the mooning duty over to first-year debater Jen Curtis. After that, opponents crumbled and the team went undefeated.
“I can’t explain how someone with practically no debating experience has been so successful,” says a puzzled Landers. “I guess sometimes it’s not so much what you say, but how you say it.”
Rookie Curtis has so far racked up three wins, two saves, and four marriage proposals.