Edible Undies and Beyond
For years, scientists tried to explain the nuances of human sexuality. Finally they said the hell with it and invented edible underwear.
Prior to that, underwear was not edible, though heaven knows that didn’t stop a lot of people from trying. No doubt we all remember the tingle that went up our “spine” when we first heard about the edible breakthrough. It was a big step forward in relations between the sexes. Candy and flowers will never go out of style, but nothing says “I love you” like eating someone’s underpants.
Abe Wasserstein’s Smut Hut was one of the first pornographic stores in Chrislip to carry the undies. He sold a ton of them, but it wasn’t long before he noticed a couple of flaws.
“For one thing, they weren’t very filling,” he remembers. “Often I’d take a handful home from the store with me and eat them while I watched the late news. It took a good half-dozen pair to fill me up.”
Timing was also a problem, says Abe. “When you’re with the one you love, and the passions start to rise, it’s not always socially acceptable to eat her underwear. In church, for instance, or when you’re having dinner with the kids.”
So he’s come up with what he considers the perfect alternative. Something that offers all the eroticism of consuming a piece of your partner’s wardrobe, minus the naughty connotations: edible hats.
He’s perfected two so far. The “Land Ho!,” a nautically-themed cap that tastes vaguely of halibut, and the “Libido Bandido!,” a sombrero with the strong odor and taste of a chicken burrito.
Below, Abe models the sex hats that are currently available at the Smut Hut. The Journal doesn’t expect as many protests as we received three years ago when Abe modeled the edible undies himself, in place of the Smut Hut’s usual model, his 22-year-old granddaughter Nikki.