Gay Cop Targets Straight Drivers, Straight Drivers Claim
Chrislip has always been a very tolerant, progressive community, so it didn’t cause much of a stir when one of our local policemen, Scotty Nordquist, turned out to be a closet fruitcake. As long as he acted straight and kept his nose clean, whatever he did in the privacy of his boudoir was only mildly repulsive to us.
Lately, though, citizens have reported that a degree of creampuffery has been working its way into Officer Nordquist’s professional life. Most of these complaints come from one of Chrislip’s largest demographic groups – drunk drivers.
When a driver is suspected of operating under the influence, the officer will administer a field sobriety test. This usually consists of having the suspect recite the alphabet backwards, or name the five most recent presidents.
Officer Nordquist reportedly came up with his own list of sobriety test questions, including: “Name the bitchiest housewife on Real Housewives of Orange County,” and “What’s the name of Susan Lucci’s character on All My Children?”
Long-haul trucker Buzz Kenmore observed Nordquist’s technique firsthand. “It was the damnedest thing,” he says with a chuckle, taking a drag off an unfiltered Lucky Strike. “I get pulled over out on the highway, and I climb down out of my rig. I’m standin’ on the roadside, so drunk I can hardly see straight, and this Nancy-boy’s askin’ me ‘Who was Carrie Bradshaw’s favorite shoe designer on Sex and the City‘?’ Hell, I knowed it was either Manolo Blahnik or Christian Louboutin, but that ain’t the kind of info you can come up with out of thin air.”
Nordquist admits that his sobriety test is outside the norm, but defends his choice of questions. “Look at the things my people have to deal with every day in the straight world,” he says. “We’re expected to know how to build a toolshed, and how many home runs Brett Favre has. Is it too much to ask our straight brethren to take an interest in the things that matter to us?”
Sheriff Clint Kennedy says there’s no code his officers have to follow in giving sobriety tests, so he can’t force Nordquist to change his questions. All he can do is offer some advice. “If you drink, don’t drive. But if you drink and drive in Chrislip, make sure you’re up on your Barbra Streisand discography and Wizard of Oz trivia.”