Chrislip Physicist Proposes Geek-Girl Grand Unification Theory
It upset physicist Arthur Bergmann when chemists got all the girls on mad scientist night at the Lone Pine Inn. “They would mix something in the girl’s drink to make it bubble and change colors and the fumes would make her pass out,” he complained. “It’s much harder to date-rape someone when your science is theoretical. Even if I did have a blackboard with me, I’d have to bore her to sleep with my equations and then be careful not to wake her up with our resonance frequency.”
Colleague and would-be wing man Ronald Whiner concurred, “In his mind, Arthur will have this killer pickup line–something involving quarks, polynomials and overcoming inertia–but as soon as the girl looks up, he’s like ‘oh, okay, I’ll leave.’ It’s really a shame because his heart is as warm as hydrogen plasma.”
As hopeless as Arthur’s love life seemed, he was determined to persevere. “I realized that the key is practice. In theory, we all exist in parallel dimensions, with only slight differences. So I created a portal that enables me to work out my problems with women in an alternate universe. Then I transport myself back to my own reality, and, boom, I kill with the ladies. It’s like Groundhog Day, but with time AND space.”
This reporter noticed Arthur’s lack of female companionship. Did this work, Arthur was asked?
“No, the problem is that I’m still me while I’m in the parallel universe,” admitted Arthur.
“But the good people at Dyson International are very interested in my portal machine. After all, a vacuum based upon this technology wouldn’t need bags since it blasts dirt to where YOUR sun doesn’t shine. Then, once Dyson’s moved a few million units, maybe I’ll be able to move mine.”