Google Targets Local Sex Pervert

Ed Kelleher in his Christmas card photo

Ed Kelleher freely admits that he’s starved for female attention.  For years he has haunted the nightclubs and dancehalls of Chrislip, trying to coax women – anyone, really – back to his shabby, one-room apartment.  He’s tried every proven pick-up line in the book, such as “Hey good-lookin’, whatcha got cookin’?” and “Do you live around here?”  These are the sort of lines that would have the average Chrislip woman nipping at your rear end like a five dollar whore.  But they gained Ed nothing. 

So he’s upgraded his technique.  Now when he approaches a prospective Miss Right – or anybody, really – he uses that most modern of lines:  “Can I Google you?”

But there is to be no happily-ever-after for Ed Kelleher and his new line.  They speak of the long arm of the law, but nobody’s arms are as long as Google’s.  When the company learned what Ed was up to, it sent him a letter asking that he stop. 

Their main objection is not so much that he’s using their company’s name to pick up women, but that he normally has his pants around his ankles when he does it.

“We appreciate the publicity,” says a spokesman for Google founder Brian Google, “and we’re sure Mr. Kelleher’s genitals mean well, but that’s not an image we want in people’s minds when they think of our company.  Toward that end, we’ve not only issued a ‘cease and desist’ order, but a ‘cease, desist, and for the love of God pull up your pants’ order.”

For now, Ed is doing just that.  But he plans to hire a lawyer of his own.  A big one.  In the meantime he’s moved on to Plan B.  Or Plan W-16(g), to be more accurate.  This consists of disrobing and chasing women down the street while shouting, “Do you Yahoo?

Yahoo founder Brad Yahoo could not be reached for comment.

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