“Lost” Plot Makes Sense to Alzheimer’s Patient

Most people know that Hitler lost World War II, but, ironically, not Chrislip College history professor Bradley Conner. Not a Holocaust-denier like Iran’s lunatic president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Conner was recently diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, making grading his student’s work increasingly difficult since the disease makes all answers seem equally plausible.

Last month freshman Mathew Padilla was assigned to write a paper about the Manhattan Project, the U.S. government’s effort to develop the world’s first atomic bomb. “But instead I got an ‘A’ for describing the Lost episode in which Ben Linus cranked this giant, frozen wheel to move the island and he ends up teleporting to Tunisia,” said Padilla. “I guess if you’re suffering from Alzheimer’s, Lost is no more ridiculous than blowing up Hiroshima with a bomb named ‘Little Boy’.”

Increasingly, the professor’s lectures had less to do with history than his growing obsession with the enigmatic television show. He wrote letters to the Dharma Initiative asking them to invite him to the island to heal his failing memory just as it cured John Locke’s paralysis. Obviously, the inquiries went unanswered. Professor Conner eventually forgot that he was teaching the class and sat in the back of the room licking publicity photos of Lost star Evangeline Lilly.

Professor Bradley Conner prepares to document the Smoke Monster’s existence in Chrislip.

At that point, even Dean Marner had to acknowledge that the professor had become a problem. “I’d like to announce that Bradley Conner has been promoted to Dean of Admissions, where he and I will work side-by-side so I will be better able to ensure that his tongue doesn’t touch any incoming freshmen,” said Marner. “I’ve also told Dean Conner to stop watching reruns of Lost and not to attempt to reset the time-space continuum by exploding a thermonuclear device in the cafeteria.”

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