The Chrislip Inn Now Features Free HBO and Breast Milk
In Europe, it is common for a food to be associated with the region that produces it. For instance, only wine produced in a certain area in France can legally be labeled Champagne. If a dairy not located in Parma, Italy attempted to call its cheese “Parmesan”, hordes of lawyers from the European Union would descend, snarling traffic with their tiny, diesel cars, clogging the courts with endless briefs, and booking local inns for the next six months.
At least that was the hope of local dairy farmer and current owner of the financially-ailing Chrislip Inn, Gunter Hagen. To increase the Inn’s occupancy, Gunter took out ads in newspapers in Brussels, the capital of the European Union, publicizing his “Chrislip Parmesan”. When a crowd of angry bureaucrats failed to materialize, the advertisements became increasingly provocative. One featured a supposedly blind taste test claiming that once Americans got a taste for Chrislip Parmesan, “the pungent odor of Italian Parmesan made them want to pull out their intestines.”
“I was about to sue the European Union in the local courts when a funny thing happened,” said Gunter. “Once people found out that the secret ingredient in Chrislip Parmesan was my wife’s breast milk, I couldn’t make enough of the stuff. To increase output, we’ve had to bottle-feed the twins.”
Greta Hagen admitted that she has a problem with her husband selling milk meant to nourish their children. Especially since the typical consumer is a pimply-faced freshman who’s never touched a real live breast. “Most days these freaks are lined out the doors,” complained Greta. “It’s like a Star Trek convention.”
All was going well until Italians from Parma showed up. Although they did insist that Gunter cease using their trademark term “Parmesan”, they really were here to negotiate an import license for “Chrislip Breast Milk Cheese.” Beginning next month, “Chrislip Formaggio Di Latte Materno” will hit store shelves throughout Italy. Gunter has already contacted his sisters-in-law in an effort to ramp up production.