Newsweek Checks Itself into Rehab Citing Obama Addiction

Late last Friday the offices of Newsweek were empty and the reception room at New Promises was full. Earlier in the day the spouses of the Newsweek editorial staff staged an intervention in the magazine’s conference room. Before boarding the bus for treatment, the editors had to shed themselves of all traces of their disease, including well-worn Obama t-shirts, semen-stained Obama autobiographies, and life-size Obama sex dolls.

“Like all addictions, it started off innocently enough,” said the wife of Editor-In-Chief Carl Stevens. “In the beginning we thought of Barack as the cure for the eight years of Cancer that was the Bush presidency. We presumed that once Obama took office, our mortgage would go away and we’d finally be able to conceive a child.”

But, claimed Mrs. Stevens, reality soon set in. “I was okay with the portrait of Obama on our nightstand, even when Carl kissed the President goodnight. But it got to the point where he wasn’t even interested in sex unless I played taped Presidential speeches about healthcare. Eventually he couldn’t climax unless I shouted ‘Yes, we can! Yes, we can!’” At that point there was no denying the problem.

Newsweek editors prior to treatment

Newsweek editors prior to treatment

Although the staff at New Promises had extensive experience with cult behavior, the editors created quite a challenge. “Their psychosis even had physical manifestations,” said Dr. Horton. “For instance, most leaned so far to the left that they couldn’t even walk straight. The Ultra-Liberals would just spin to their left in circles, around and around. We had to put weights in their right-hand pockets to give them some semblance of objectivity.”

Now that her husband is back home, Mrs. Stevens realizes how close they were to losing everything. “I might have to vote Republican in 2012 just to prevent a relapse,” she said. “Taxing rich Republicans to give free healthcare to illegal immigrants just isn’t worth giving up your sanity.”

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  1. This blog is just the right amount of crazy. Heh.

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