Ex-Climate Change Scientist Will Forecast for Food

Former Chrislip College physics professor Gerald Schism was a respected member of the climate change community until rumors surfaced that his research conclusions couldn’t be replicated.  The controversy, and his tenure, ended when an email emerged in which the professor suggested that placing weather instruments near rooftop heating vents would yield higher temperatures, thus proving the theory and providing more impetus for funding further research.  “I was going to move the thermometer back once I published a solution to global warming,” claimed Schism.   “Then, boom, temperatures would fall and everyone would be happy to have saved the rain forest.”

Now that the gravy train of federal grant money has ended, Mr. Schism has become Chrislip’s equivalent to Miss Cleo.  He passes the time standing in front of McDonalds holding a cardboard sign with the message “Will Forecast for Food*”.  Today, Chrislip College journalism major Ted X. McCall forked over a Big Mac and inquired about the asterisk’s meaning.

Schism: It’s a disclaimer since I’m always wrong. 

McCall: Doesn’t the inaccuracy of your predictions suppress demand? 

Schism: Not at all.  I’m proud to say that my forecasts are 100% inaccurate.  I’m the perfect contrary indicator.  So far this year I predicted that the Colts would win the Super Bowl, that health care would pass and that my wife wouldn’t leave me after I lost my job.  If you’re keeping score, that’s wrong, wrong, wrong.

McCall: I’m wondering if you can predict whether the sun will rise tomorrow.

Schism: It doesn’t work that way.  I’m not ‘Opposite Man’.  I don’t have negative super powers.  I have to really believe the answer.  I’m just always incorrect.  For instance, I really thought that the Himalayan glaciers would melt and, as it turns out, Chrislip experienced the coldest winter on record.  Who saw that coming?  Certainly not me.

McCall: So what does the future hold for Dr. Schism?

Schism: I’m thinking of starting an investment advice firm, Reverse Analytics.  My clients would just buy what I sell, and vice versa. 

Extra fur on caterpillars foretells a strong third quarter for the Dow, Schism claims

McCall: Do you really think that this will work?

Schism: No, of course not.  But, ironically, my pessimism is a bullish indicator.

McCall: Well, then, Dr. Schism, let me wish you the worst of luck.

Schism: Thanks.

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