Miley Cyrus To Wed 48-Year-Old Drifter Who Lives Under Bridge

The tabloids have long speculated about which Hollywood hunk would win the heart of teen queen Miley Cyrus. Some said it would be Jonas Brother Nick Jonas. Some said Twilight star Robert Pattinson. John Flesco, 48, who lives under a bridge on the outskirts of Chrislip, was noticeably absent from the list of suitors.

John Flesco

John Flesco

But Flesco fooled them all. Yesterday he contacted the Chrislip Journal to report that he and the 17-year-old Hannah Montana star are engaged to be married.

Flesco first noticed Cyrus when he saw her on TV in a storefront window. He sensed she had feelings for him, so the next day he wrote her a note, put it in a bottle, and threw it into the river that runs under the bridge where he lives. Cyrus responded the next day via coded radio messages that Flesco received on the gold fillings in his teeth. More radio signals followed, and now the coo-some twosome are engaged.

Flesco has lived alone under the bridge for six years. In his spare time he enjoys standing on the highway and screaming Biblical verses at passing cars, and sitting in a cardboard box and rocking on his haunches. He earns a living by collecting empty beer cans for recycling. Lately he’s been thinking of expanding the business to include pop bottles.

He claims that the soon-to-be Miley Cyrus-Flesco has agreed to quit her burgeoning film, music and TV career and join him in the can business. Why is she willing to give up so much to come live with him under his bridge? Flesco says he’d like to believe that she’s attracted to his big heart or his character, but he suspects it’s his perky buttocks.

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