Breasts Not Meant for Breastfeeding, Council Rules

Katie Erlichson was at the mall last month with her infant son, Randolph.  When the baby began to fuss, Katie did what she always does – she took out her breast and offered him lunch.  Randolph suckled. 

Katie didn’t know it at the time, but she was about to ignite a firestorm of controversy that would thrust her onto page eight of half the newspapers in the county. 

Chrislip Sheriff Clint Kennedy happened to be at the mall that day, and when he saw Katie fiddling with her breast, he issued her a ticket for indecent exposure.

Katie objected to the ticket.  “There are girls at the mall who are practically falling out of their tops for no reason, so why should I be penalized for a normal human function like feeding my baby?”

That’s when the fireworks started.  The schism divided our town right down the middle, with half claiming that breasts are a natural part of a woman’s body, and the other half saying that they’re bad news.

As with most matters, it was left to the collective wisdom of the City Council to decide.

“We could’ve brought in experts to give us their view as to the function of a woman’s breasts,” said Councilman Joe Gorek, “but it’s not a scientific matter.  It’s a question of community standards.  What do breasts mean to our community?  That was up to us to decide.”

The Council appointed a subcomittee to study the problem.  Members Bobby Ajax, Peter Grieg and Lars McClain were assigned to spend an afternoon at the mall, watching women’s breasts in order to determine their purpose.

Lars McClain reported the findings.  “As an objective team of observers, we can state with conviction that the main function of breasts is to arouse men.  The mall breasts elicted any number of reactions from us, up to and including making noises like a coyote.”

Good Breasts

Bobby Ajax initially felt that breasts might have some higher purpose, but at 3:30 a group of high schoolers flooded the mall, and he also became aroused.

So the indecent exposure charge against Katie Erlichson still stands.

Bad Breasts

“Look, we’re not saying that women can’t breastfeed,” said Lars McClain, “only that they shouldn’t.  There are lots of baby formula manufacturers, but if you honestly think your body can do a better job than Bristol-Myers, knock yourself out.  Just not in public.  There’s enough ugliness in the world without having to watch children being fed.”

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