Chinese Dragons Charged with Extortion
Members of the Liu Chinese Society found themselves in prison yesterday, the victims of a cultural misunderstanding.
“The guys in these dragon costumes were threatening our local merchants that if they didn’t make a ‘donation’, they would be visited by ‘misfortune’ in the coming year,” said Sherriff Clint Kennedy, who accused the dancers of threatening arson by lighting fireworks in front of businesses in full view of their proprietors. “The mafia uses similar threats of ‘accidents’ to extort money from small businessmen. What’s illegal for Italian thugs is illegal for Chinese dragons.”
The Liu Chinese Society was here in Chrislip to commemorate the grand opening of Ho Ho’s Chinese Cuisine. Celebrants were encouraged to place small donations into the mouth of the dragon to ensure good fortune during this the Year of the Tiger. Historically, the Dragon Dance dates back to 230 AD and the Han Dynasty. The practice welcomes the start of the New Year by driving away evil spirits to ensure good luck.
Sheriff Kennedy credited the misunderstanding to the oddness of their tradition.
“Excuse me, but we’re not the heathens here,” exclaimed the man in the dragon’s ass. “You people celebrate the resurrection of Christ by waiting for a magical rabbit to deliver chicken eggs and chocolate. And I’m not the one who offers milk and cookies to an obese man in a red coat who lives at the North Pole and who arrives everywhere at once in a flying sleigh powered by reindeer.” With that, the man resumed his position and the dragon danced its way out of Chrislip.