Local Official Admits to Diverting Haiti Relief Funds
When the people of Chrislip opened their hearts and wallets to aid the survivors of the recent earthquake in Haiti, little did they know that the funds would instead be used to clear snow from county roads.
“This year, Chrislip has been covered by a tsunami of snow,” explained county commissioner Darrel Hutchinson. “Last week’s blizzard registered an 8.0 on the Richter Scale. There are aftershocks of sleet forecasted for this evening. A snowstorm ‘Katrina’ has buried the highway, but where’s our telethon? Where is George Clooney when there’s shoveling to be done?”
Hyperbole aside, why didn’t the commissioner just forward the money as it was intended? “Snow removal is a more urgent priority here in Chrislip than it is in Haiti,” said Hutchinson. “If you look past the poverty and rubble, all you see is white sand and warm temperatures. To someone shoveling a foot of snow out of his driveway, Haiti looks like a tropical paradise. Besides, it’s not like there’s anything to buy. All of their stores were destroyed by the quake.”
The rumor that Haiti was sending its Hollywood goons to Chrislip to collect the donations turned out to be false. A celebrity platoon consisting of Sting, Ashton Kutcher, Rainn Wilson, Olivia Wilde, John Legend, Alyssa Milano, Selena Gomez, and Lindsay Lohan turned its Learjet around when they saw Chrislip’s weather forecast. Even a CNN broadcast of a Port au Prince voodoo priestess jabbing pins into a likeness of Hutchinson proved unsuccessful.
The job of righting the commissioner’s wrong fell to Mayor Presnell. “Eventually, we’ll do the right thing,” announced the mayor. “But if we play this thing right, this might be one of the president’s ‘teachable moments’. Darrel and I might get a free trip to Washington and a beer out of this.”