Local News: Time Traveler Recommends Bet on Colts If You Like Eggs
Time Traveler Recommends Bet on Colts If You Like Eggs
What would you do if you could travel through time? Most of us would play the lottery and retire from the winnings. Or we would place a certain bet on the upcoming Super Bowl. At Betty’s Diner, Eric Luke, who has picked every NFL playoff game correctly so far, explained his recent winning streak as more than luck. Luke claims to have visited the future. This reporter asked him to explain the process to those of us who experience time linearly.
“The future is fluky, not like the movie Groundhog Day where you’re the only independent variable,” explained Luke. “This morning I ate scrambled eggs for breakfast and travelled to the day after the Super Bowl to find that the Colts won 28 to 17. But when I went back after eating oatmeal, the Saints won in a blowout. A breakfast at Betty’s can’t determine the outcome of the Super Bowl, can it? My theory is that there are other time travelers and we compete to optimize the past for our future benefit.”
That is one explanation. Another is that Luke is as crazy as he is lucky. This reporter requested a comment from Chrislip College Psychology Professor Max Trask, who immediately ordered an omelet and called his bookie.
Nagging questions remain. Why does a time traveler return to Chrislip, Michigan? Why isn’t he wealthy?
“The first time I went back, I did all the things that a normal person would,” said Luke. “I won lotteries, but people asked for money every time I said ‘hi’. I cleaned up in Vegas until their goons nearly killed me. Women only loved me for the money. Then I realized how happy I was before I began time travelling. So after breakfast I’m going back to my childhood and relive the pleasure of being tucked into bed by my mother. Life is so much more relaxing when you know what’s coming. I’m going to do everything that I wrote in my diary. Except this time, so that we don’t lose our house again, I’ll tell my dad to eat eggs before he bets against the Jets in the 1970 Super Bowl.”