Interview: “I Punch America Right in the Face Already!”

“I Punch America Right in the Face Already!”

Ahmad Habib Bahar

Chrislip has joined the front line in the war on terror.

Last week, Ahmad Habib Bahar was arrested after he defaced a local billboard with an anti-American slogan. Bahar, a native of Saudi Arabia, has lived in Chrislip for five years. He is now being held in the county jail on a charge of criminal mischief. Due to the relative youth of the defendant, the Journal sent high school correspondent Buddy Fenster to interview him. It is our sincere wish that the gap between our two cultures can be bridged by the young people, our hope for tomorrow.

Buddy:  What you wrote on that billboard was really bad.

Ahmad:  This is your opinion.  What’s bad for one man’s cause might be good for another.

Buddy:  You started writing too far over and made the letters too big, so you ran out of room and it curves down and looks really stupid.  You have to watch stuff like that when you vandalize.

Ahmad:  It doesn’t matter.  My message was clear.

Buddy:  What’s your message?

Ahmad:  Death to America.

Buddy:  Really?  Whoa, that’s pretty bad, too.  Not that I’m against killing or anything.

Ahmad:  A jihadist’s glory is increased one-hundredfold with the blood of each infidel.

Buddy:  Once I killed a swan with a golf club.  It didn’t insult my religion or anything, but there was no way to avoid it.  The swan was like, there.  And I had this golf club. 

Ahmad:  When we kill infidels, our goal is to make examples of those who would defy the message of the prophet Mohammed.

Buddy:  Is he the one with all the arms and legs?

Ahmad:  You are thinking of Hindu gods.

Buddy:  You know, that billboard is pretty high up.  Weren’t you afraid of falling?

Ahmad:  I was not.  Had I fallen, I would die a martyr’s death.  I would awaken in paradise with thirty-two virgins.

Buddy:  Virgins?  You mean girl  virgins?

Ahmad:  That is a martyr’s reward.

Buddy:  Are you allowed to do stuff to them?

Ahmad:  A martyr can do as he pleases, for that is the definition of paradise.

Buddy:  Wow.  Do souls have wieners in your religion?

Ahmad:  It is not right to speak of such base things.  You came to talk about my reasons for doing what I did.  Let us talk of that.

Buddy:  Okay.

Ahmad: You see, my people are in a war with your government.  We are fighting the presence of your military in our land.  We are fighting the cultural influence of your country that spreads around the world like a stain and corrupts the morals of our young people.  We are being crushed under the boot of American imperialism.   And when the dowtrodden, the crushed and dying, cry out with their last breath, it is jihadists like me who answer them.

Buddy:  Can you play with their boobs?

Ahmad:  The crushed and dying?

Buddy:  The thirty-two virgins.  ‘Cause I have this friend who had a date with this girl behind the smelting plant, and he was all “Come on, come on!”, and she was all, “Hey, those are mine, not yours!”

Ahmad:  I am not sure I can ever make you understand.

Buddy:  How hard is it to join your religion and become an Allah or a Mohammed or whatever?  Do you have to like memorize anything?

Ahmad:  Young Fenster, talking to you has been… an experience.

Buddy:  You’re welcome.  I get that a lot.

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