Essay: Mick Williams’ New Year’s Resolutions

Mick Williams’ New Year’s Resolutions

I’m one small, impotent man

Here are my resolutions for 2010:

  1. Marry a gay man.  I’m not gay, but as a proponent of gay marriage, I feel it’s hypocritical to be in favor of something while not actually participating in it.  It’s like the revulsion we all feel when we hear a vegetarian say that he believes in veganism in theory.
  2. Refrain from making bigoted comments like “I’m not gay.”  When you take the time and energy to declare that you’re not something, it implies that you feel there’s something wrong with that thing.  This recalls the shameful Seinfeld episode that spawned the ugly, bile-filled line, “Not that there’s anything wrong with that.”  So yes, I’m gay.  But not really.  But actually I am.  Although I’m not.
  3. Go hunting less often.  I’ve never hunted, but I plan to not hunt even more in 2010.  That is, I will be more consciously aware that I’m not hunting.  I will make it a point to look up from what I’m doing and remark “I’m not hunting” more often.
  4. Get an abortion.  Not physically, of course.  But I plan to don one of those “sympathy bellies” that simulates the look and feel of pregnancy, and visit a Planned Parenthood clinic so that I might know the terror that my sisters feel as a horde of ding-a-ling Christians advances upon them, brandishing their pro-life pamphlets just as their forefathers wielded their death-swords to slaughter peaceable Muslims during the Crusades.
  5. Remind my students every day that you can’t spell “African-American” without “I CAN, I CAN.”
  6. Circulate a  petiton to bulldoze Mount Rushmore and replace it with the heads of Barack Obama, Al Gore, Matthew Shepherd, and Bono.
  7. Finally do something about that leaky faucet in my bathroom.
  8. Lobby to provide county jail inmates with computers with full internet access, without the senseless blocking of X-rated websites.  Although this is controversial, I believe it will, in the long run, help criminals better enjoy pornography.
  9. Boycott Angelo’s Bakery.  Last time I was in there, I noticed they have a miniature plastic bride & groom for the tops of wedding cakes, but no plastic bride & bride, and no plastic groom & groom.
  10. Crack down on “blonde jokes.”  A student told one in my classroom:  A blonde is in the hospital with bandages on both her ears.  She explains to a friend, “I was ironing my clothes when the phone rang.  Without thinking, I held the iron up to my ear and said ‘hello?’.”  The friend asks what happened to her other ear, and the blonde replies, “Hey, I had to call the ambulance, didn’t I?”  It shames me to say it, but I didn’t confront the “comedian” as to the bigotry in his “humor.”  So one day, when the Hitlerian freight cars come to carry blondes away to concentration camps, I will feel as if I played a part in letting it happen.

Let’s hope 2010 is a good year for all of us.  And remember:  Tolerance is a two-way street.  If you tolerate my views, please tolerate those who share them.

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