Local News: Christmas Miracle Narrowly Averted in Chrislip
Christmas Miracle Narrowly Averted in Chrislip
Christmas arrived early this year in Northern Michigan in the form of Anderson Cooper, the metrosexual anchor of CNN, America’s least-watched cable news network. Cooper was in town to cover a story about a possible religious miracle that he hoped would resurrect the network’s sagging ratings.
The source of the notoriety was Chrislip trash collector Robert Farley, who recently began crying tears of real blood while watching Fox News. “This is a true miracle, not like that toast with the image of the Virgin Mary,” claimed Father Barry Connell, leader of Chrislip’s Catholic flock. “That was obviously faked. In fact, I recently bought a Virgin Mary toaster on eBay. But Robert’s tears are real because our local merchants need the tourism dollars in this, the most holy of weeks.”
Indeed, the story has done wonders for Chrislip’s sluggish economy. After it aired last week, tourism has boomed. The local Holiday Inn has been fully booked outside of deer season for the first time in years. As have the masses at Father Connell’s parish, ever since they began featuring Chrislip’s number one celebrity watching America’s number one news network on a small television in front of the alter. Just as Catholic parishioners symbolically drink the blood of Christ every Sunday morning, bartenders at the Fighting Pine, a local watering hole, have been serving up Mr. Farley’s tears by mixing red food dye with vodka and calling the concoction a “Bloody Robert,” a drink that they hadn’t served since the months following the 1968 assassination of Robert Kennedy.
All was going well until Nurse Bernadette Stevens came forth to dispel two rumors. “First, I’d like to say that Anderson Cooper is not gay. Last week in his room at the Holiday Inn, he presented me with the hard fact. Secondly, Robert Farley is not a miracle. He is the victim of medical malpractice. Last month, he underwent brain surgery and Dr. Curtis sewed him up with a small sponge still inside the incision. I pointed out the error, but the doctor said that it was payback for Robert not picking up the garbage the week before.”
“I’d like to apologize to Robert if I, in any way, caused this miracle,” said Dr. Brandon Curtis, the surgeon who operated on Mr. Farley in November. “I’d also like to publicly forgive him for not picking up my trash, even though the can is positioned five feet from the curb, just like it’s supposed to be.
“Lastly, I, too, want to admit to spending time in Anderson Cooper’s room at the Holiday Inn. Like his network, Anderson likes to see both sides of an issue, at least sexually. In my case, he just pulled down his pants and, in a James Earl Jones voice, said ‘This is CNN.’”