College News: Dean Marner Suspends Serial Killer
Dean Marner Suspends Serial Killer
Chrislip College announced today that junior biology major Steve Haig has been suspended for performing medical experiments on local inmates.
Haig collected bodily fluid samples and brain scans from various inmates, with the initial goal of better understanding the appeal of celebrities to normal people.
“I wanted to discover the neurons that fire when we are presented with a photo of, say, Lady Gaga, and, if possible, how to turn off the response and make her go away. In the perfect world, we’d all be equally popular and worthy of praise,” explained Haig. “But every time I’d show them a picture of Jennifer Anniston, they’d hand me another cup of urine. I’m sure that’s not the reaction that her publicist is hoping for.”
When comparing his own brain scans to those of the inmates, Haig had a revelation. “Curiously, these killers and I have the same response to Megan Fox,” said Haig. “We’re wired the same, which means that anyone turned on by a beautiful Hollywood actress will eventually kill. Therefore, before we’ve got a serial killer on our hands, we’ve got to prevent Megan Fox from making any more movies.”
Eventually Haig’s research conclusions made their way to Dean Marner, who took immediate action. “This school can’t have this kid threatening fellow students with his brain. And after we suspended Haig, we went through his dorm and you wouldn’t believe what we found. Look, everyone knows that hording hundreds of jars of blood and urine isn’t going to make Megan Fox a better actress.”