Local News: Mayor Presnell Ships Chrislip’s Homeless Off to Santaland

Mayor Presnell Ships Chrislip’s Homeless Off to Santaland

Over the years, no Chrislip organization has done more to aid the plight of the homeless than Goodwin’s Department Store. The company was founded more than a century ago by Homer Goodwin, who financed his initial general store by selling whiskey to local Chippewa Indian tribes. “Ironically, my great-great-grandfather capitalized on the weakness of Native Americans, just as their casinos now prey on the greed of ‘normal’ Americans,” said Helen Goodwin, who represents the fifth-generation of her family to run the store.

With this Christmas, Helen has strived to make her mark. Goodwin’s has built a Santaland with a tropical theme. “This time of year, Chrislip could be mistaken for the North Pole,” said Helen. “People come into Goodwin’s to get away from the snow. We’ve all got ‘Christmas’ trees in our back yard. So this year we’ve gone in a different direction. For instance, our Santa is a transfer student named Rico, who’s from the Cayman Islands. He wears a festive speedo and Santa cap and he sits on a surf board in front of a tropical backdrop. Rico has been very popular, particularly with the mothers who line up to sit on his lap and whisper their wishes into his ear.”

To Chrislip’s MILFs, Rico is a SILF.

Even the mayor has given Goodwin’s his support. With his wife squirming on Rico’s lap, Mayor Presnell suggested to Helen that Chrislip’s homeless could make good elves during the day and sleep in the gingerbread houses at night. “It seemed like such a well-meaning idea at the time,” explained Ms. Goodwin. “I guess that Mrs. Presnell’s giggles should have clued me in to the Mayor’s intentions.”

Around 3 AM, Ms. Goodwin got a call from security, notifying her that Rico’s homeless elves had eaten all of the candy used to create Santaland. By the time she got there, the houses were reduced to crumbs.

A homeless elf exercises her fudge muscles.

After her guards tossed Rico and his elves out onto the snow, Helen claims to have learned her lesson. “Next year, we’ll go with a fat white man as Santa, just like Jesus intended.”

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