College News: Chrislip College Announces School of Unemployment Studies

Chrislip College Announces School of Unemployment Studies

Crime and higher education usually don’t mix.  The life of a gangster is something you usually only turn to after exhausting all educational opportunities.  However, noted Detroit crime leader Eight-Ball has chosen to give back to the community a small portion of what he has stolen.  “Back when I was serving a dime in that hole up in Kinross, I learned the value of both education and getting people hooked on drugs.  Don’t do them yourself, kids.  Give the drugs to your friends.  Once addicted, those bitches will do anything you want just to get their next fix.”  Apparently, Nancy Reagan was only half right. 

Professor Eight-Ball

Explained a nervous Dean Marner, “Ordinarily, I say ‘no’ whenever a Drug Kingpin walks through the door, but this economy makes for strange bedfellows.  So it is with great pride and apprehension that I announce Chrislip College’s new Unemployment Studies program.

“The program is an absolute boon for our declining enrollment rates.  Students will just keep borrowing more and more money from the government and, since they’ll remain in school the rest of their lives, the loans never have to be paid back.  The beauty of this program is that it places no burden on our placement office.”

Asked if the reputed killer of twelve and father of twenty-two would seek to take advantage of the program, Eight-Ball replied, “No, it’s a win-win for everyone.  The government pays the money to the school, who hires my associates as teachers as they are released from prison.  In return, the kids will learn valuable life skills, such as how to apply for welfare and what to do with a snitch.”

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