Local News: Chrislip Gags Gay Man with Job

Chrislip Gags Gay Man with Job

In a surprise move, Sheriff Clint Kennedy announced the hiring of Jeffrey Roland, Chrislip’s Gay Community, as Deputy. Roland’s background in the field of Arts and Crafts made him an unlikely candidate to fill the vacancy. Indeed, his only previous involvement with the local police force is accusing it of homophobic bigotry.

“The numbers speak for themselves,” claimed Roland. “According to the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force, as objective a source of information on the subject as there is, as many as 8% of all Americans are gay. The county employs a half-dozen deputies. Therefore, unless the new deputy is at least half gay or lesbian, the Sheriff is, mathematically speaking, a homophobe. Once I explained this to the Sheriff, he said he’d be glad to join my zipper club!”

“I don’t know what that means so I doubt that I said anything like that,” said Sheriff Kennedy. “Look, you know his history. It was cheaper to hire him than defend another lawsuit. Jeanie in the county office is looking for federal grant money that we can use to hire a real deputy. In the meantime, rest assured that Deputy Roland won’t be handling any firearms and he won’t be setting up speed traps out on route 72 using his ‘gaydar.’”

Mr. Roland models his proposed new deputy uniform

This reporter asked what duties Deputy Roland would be performing.

“My law enforcement priority is to ending Chrislip’s war on homosexuals. Do you know that no one in this city has ever been convicted of a hate crime on a gay or lesbian?” asked the city’s lone homosexual. “If that doesn’t prove bigotry, I don’t know what does.”

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