Interview: “Sorry About Slavery… Have a Cookie”

“Sorry About Slavery… Have a Cookie”

Political Science professor Mick Williams is a man of many hats, whether it’s the hat under which he fights for a free Tibet, or this snappy number he wears to campaign for gay marriage. 

I’m one small, impotent man

Lately we’ve been seeing Professor Williams sporting a new hat – the Hat of Justice.  He’s the founder and president of a new foundation he calls the Fairness In American Society Committee Organization (FIASCO).  Anne-Marie Waterhouse sat down with Williams to learn more about his latest tangent.

Waterhouse:  Congratulations on the hat, Professor, and on the organization.  How was it formed?

Williams:  The organization or the hat?

Waterhouse:  The organization.

Williams:  FIASCO came about because of a simple desire to take past wrongs and make them right.  For 300 years, America has been a symbol of minority oppression.  And how have we remedied that situation?  By striking down all laws that permit racism, and offering a level playing field to everyone regardless of race, creed or color.  In short, nothing.  It makes me sick.

Waterhouse:  You’re well-known on campus as a proponent for slave reparations – giving free money to African-Americans as a sort of restitution for slavery. 

Williams:  Yes indeed.  I spoke on the issue to the town council just before the last election. 

Waterhouse:  How did they respond?

Williams:  Hatefully.  They said they felt it was unfair to penalize people for misdeeds committed by completely unrelated people a hundred years before they were born.  Can you believe it?  They might as well have been wearing white hoods and sheets.

Waterhouse:  So will FIASCO pursue that issue?

Williams:  FIASCO is a small organization, and I’m one small, impotent man.  So for the time being, we’re going to focus on our own little corner of the world.  Our latest pet project is a new menu for the Chrislip College cafeteria, with a sliding price scale based on degrees of oppression.  African-American students would get a big discount on large sandwich items because they were slaves.  Native-Americans would get slightly less of a discount because we tempted them with liquor and smallpox.  And there will be bonuses.  For instance, if you lost two or more family members in Hitler’s death camps, you get a free Ring-Ding.

Waterhouse:  Speaking of the cafeteria, is it true that you staged a personal sit-in to have a “NO IRISH” sign removed from the cafeteria wall?

Williams:  Yes.  Actually the sign read “NO IRISH COFFEE.”  They’d posted it because students had been bringing in flasks of whiskey and tweaking their coffee with it.  But think of the mental anguish the Irish-American kids felt as they read the first two-thirds of that sign and remembered the “NO IRISH” signs they’d seen adorning employment posters in the 1800s.  No doubt it ripped their souls out and made them weep.  Or at least think about weeping.

Waterhouse:  Dr. King would be proud.

Williams:  Well, it’s important that we allow opposing viewpoints to be heard.  Believe it or not, there are those who don’t feel the same way.  Like the small-minded people who tried to stop me from burning Ann Coulter’s books in the town square.

Waterhouse:   I’m afraid that’s all the time we have for today, Professor.  Thanks for chatting.

Williams:  Before I go, I’d like to say that my use of the word “souls” a moment ago in no way implies an endorsement of Christianity or any other God-based religion by either myself or Chrislip College.

Waterhouse:  Whew.  That was too close.

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