College News: Dean Marner Embroiled in “Gate-gate” Scandal

Dean Marner Embroiled in “Gate-gate” Scandal

It’s like Watergate, only worse.

Crispin Collier is a summer camp nestled in the trendier peaks of Washington’s Cascade Mountains.  It caters to the children of parents who are rich, powerful, and better than yours.  One of the campers is Jennifer Gates, daughter of Microsoft tyrant Bill Gates.  Each week while she’s at camp, Jennifer receives an allowance check from her dad.   But last month, in a hilarious postal mix-up, the check arrived not at Crispin Collier, but at Chrislip College.

Dean Marner

Jennifer Gates

From Bill Gates’ point of view, the mix-up became less hilarious when Chrislip Dean Harvard Marner mistakenly cashed the check and accidentally used the money to begin construction of the Harvard Marner Visitors’ Center.

Marner maintains it was an honest mistake.  “We’d done some renovations on the parking lot around the administration building,” he said, “and we installed some new chain-link gates in the fence.  We had a couple left over, and sold them to the Widder Johnson, who lives next door to the college.  When I saw ‘Bill Gates’ on this check, I honestly thought it was from her, paying the bill for the gates.”

Asked why he thought the widder would be paying a high six-figure sum for two gates, he replied, “They were nice gates.  Galvanized and everything.”

Marner has galvanized himself to the possibility that Bill won’t be nice Gates.  There’s a chance he may even want his money back.  Marner emailed the Microsoft chairman and suggested they forget the whole thing, but Gates’ squadron of lawyers suggested they not.  Marner then offered to rename the new structure the Harvard Marner-Bill Gates Visitors’ Center.  He hasn’t received a reply yet, but thinks Gates might be hesitant because the joint name makes them sound like a homosexual couple.

The Dean insists he’s not a homosexual, but doesn’t rule out a physical relationship with the mogul if it will help resolve the problem.  “You don’t want to know how far I’ll go to keep that girl’s allowance.”

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