Local News: Geeks Gone Wild
Geeks Gone Wild
Local Star Trek fans set their phasers to “insult” last Thursday night at Chrislip High School’s debut performance of the musical Hair. Actually, it was only known after explanation what they were shouting about because they were shouting in Romulan, an archaic, Science Fiction language only spoken by the dateless. Ironically, they were protesting this year’s prom theme, “Age of Aquarius”.
“Apparently, a vocal minority wanted a Star Trek theme,” said Principal Schottenheimer. “But this is prom, not Halloween. Anyway, we tried that back in the early Seventies when I was a student here. You always end up with twenty Spocks and one Urhura. That ratio doesn’t work for a prom. Everyone wants to wear the pointy ears.”
Everyone, that is, except theatre teacher Mrs. Vanwingerden. “Just when Jeanie was about to sing ‘Cataclysmic ectoplasm, Fallout atomic orgasm,’ some jerk stands up and shouts a bunch of gibberish.”
“It’s Romulan, not gibberish,” said student/protestor/geek Kurt Jurek. “‘Hwiiy llhrei’sian!’ means ‘You are diarrhea!’ The Romulan language has so few words that it’s hard to properly insult anyone. If a word wasn’t needed for one of the episodes, it doesn’t exist,” explained Jurek, managing to sound smart and stupid at the same time.
“That’s why I was surprised you didn’t use Klingon,” said Principal Schottenheimer. “Back in the day, I’d have said something like ‘DnuqDaq oH puchpae!’ and they’d be all like ‘Wo, dude, no need to drop the D-bomb on me.’”
“Why would I stand up in a crowded auditorium and ask where the bathroom is?” asked Kurt. “You mean ‘jagh lucharghlu’ta’bogh HuH ghopDu’lIj lungaSjaj!’”
“‘May your bile be vanquished?’” asked Schottenheimer, who mockingly felt his body for bullet holes, finding none. “Really? Is that the best you can do? I remember when me and my Vulkies were at prom and there was this girl we all liked until she laughed at the powder-blue velour, USS Enterprise uniforms that we wore underneath our tux jackets. So my friend Martin Hatfield says to her, in Klingon, ‘You’ll only live long and prosper if you take off that dress.’ That was funny because she didn’t understand what we were saying. But someone must have given her a Klingon-to-English dictionary because the next day Martin was beaten up by cheerleaders. Some guys are just powerless without their pointy ears.”
At Mrs. Vanwingerden’s insistence, Principal Schottenheimer reluctantly banned the Klingon and Romulan languages from the Chrislip High School grounds. Said the flower-child-turned-theatre-teacher, “Why look and talk like an idiot, when you can get up on stage and sing ‘Gliddy glup goopy, nibby nabby noopy la la la lo lo. Sabba sibby sabba, nooby abba nabba le le lo lo. Tooby ooby walla, nooby abba nabba?’”