Local News: Chrislip’s Gay Community Selects This Year’s Nazi
Chrislip’s Gay Community Selects This Year’s Nazi
This year’s Holocaust memorial was unveiled last week by Chrislip’s Gay Community, Jeffrey Roland. As usual, it differs from any other Holocaust memorial in that it has nothing to do with Jews or Germans. Thankfully, this year’s presentation is also much different than last year’s memorial, which protested Homophobia by featuring a puppet show in which Big Bird and the Cookie Monster reenacted scenes from Brokeback Mountain.
Who are this year’s Nazis, you ask? We’ll let Mr. Roland describe his moment of inspiration.
“The idea, literally, came crashing through my windshield and scratched my cheek with its antler,” claimed Jeffrey Roland. “I healed, but this noble beast perished. At that moment, covered in blood, I felt like the Nazis I’ve been shouting down my entire adult life. I felt like Joseph Goebbels if he had ran over Albert Einstein on I-75. Then I thought if that really happened, the world would not have benefited from Einstein’s genius, which would be bad. And then I thought, but there wouldn’t have been nuclear weapons, which would be good. But then I thought Japan would have won World War II and that couldn’t have been a good thing, even though America would have lost.
“After the car was repaired, the mechanic gave me the buck’s rack, saying ‘you earned it.’ At that moment I chose my Nazi. I chose to protest against those who willfully take the lives of, well, I’d call them God’s creatures, but I’m a vegan, so I don’t believe in God. I mean to say, the hunting of deer is this year’s Holocaust.”
Featured at Eleanor Radcliffe’s antique shop, Dead People’s Stuff, the exhibit consists of wooden buck antlers. Throughout the summer, Mr. Roland carved fallen branches to ghostly effect. Each piece represents a fallen buck, complete with faux autobiography. For example: “I loved to play in the forest with my friends and eat berries, until I was murdered by an orange-clad, shotgun-toting Nazi! I may as well have been gassed at Auschwitz!”
Apparently they’ve been selling well. “The community support has been tremendous. It’s good to know that people love the environment and animals as much as I do. I’d like to thank Eleanor Radcliffe for her good work,” gushed Roland.
But Ms. Radcliffe has a confession to make. It wasn’t environmentalists who bought Mr. Roland’s carvings. It was the deer hunters. “I knew it would upset Jeffrey, but I didn’t want to get stuck with the inventory like I did two years ago with his statuettes of famous Republicans being sodomized by Gay porn stars. I had to take out ads on MSNBC to move them. But even Keith Olbermann isn’t going to buy wooden antlers. He hates Conservatives, not Nazis.”
The appeal of Mr. Roland’s work to hunters remained a mystery until Sunday, when State Police received calls of broken antlers scattered on the freeway. Explained spokesman Craig Willis, “For whatever reason, this deer season, bucks are few and far between. Disappointed hunters were driving back downstate without a deer carcass tied to their cars. So, hunters would buy a carving from Ms. Radcliffe, shoot a doe, which is illegal, and glue the rack onto the deer. That worked fine until the car got up to highway speed.”
Fortunately, Mr. Roland had left for California without knowing that his art contributed to the death of dozens of innocent does. “Jeffrey always winters in San Francisco,” said Ms. Radcliffe. “He refers to the wintertime as ‘bear season.’”