College News: Pines Win! Pines Win!
Pines Win! Pines Win!
No one would have blamed Chrislip baseball coach Lou Effinger if he had committed suicide at some point during the past two years. Besides his team’s 43-game losing streak, he’s bald, middle-aged, overweight, thrice divorced, and drives a used Taurus. Even his Match.com page encourages women to exhaust all other alternatives before contacting him.
Fortunately for Chrislip baseball fans, school nurse Lillian Herbert was just as desperate. Said Herbert, “He’s cute, but in a loserish-sort of way. And unfortunately I know a few things about dating losers. For starters, the girl doesn’t ‘win’ unless the guy does. So you could say that we were both on a long losing streak.” Which is why, for their three week anniversary, Nurse Herbert decided to give Coach Effinger something no other woman has: a victory.
“Before last Sunday’s game with the Central Michigan Chippewas, I grabbed my medical bag, walked over to the visitor’s dugout and announced that the league had asked me to administer random drug tests,” explained Nurse Herbert. “You had to admire the results though. Looking at the bench, it was like the Chippendales dressed up in baseball uniforms. I just wanted to sprinkle Deca-Durabolin all over my body and let them lick it all up.” The panicked, scattering Chippewas rushed for their bus, not stopping to notice whether the nurse had stripped down to her syringe.
Although the game ended in a forfeit win for the Fighting Pines and the team elected her MVP, things didn’t last between coach and nurse. “He was grateful as a puppy,” admitted Nurse Herbert. “But every time we made love, all I could think about were the glutes on those Chippewas.”
So after the Pines, Coach Effinger, and Nurse Herbert resumed their losing ways last Tuesday against the Alma College Scots, she left the coach for first baseman Stevie Harwood. Said Nurse Herbert of her new beau, “it’s so cute that he thinks the Human Growth Hormone injections are all about hitting a baseball farther. What he doesn’t know is that I’m building my very own Chippendale.”