College News: Chrislip Student Ties World Record
Chrislip Student Ties World Record
When Joel Archer was escorted from the campus, the former Chrislip College student tied an all-time record shared with fast-food workers everywhere: a zero GPA. Given the low academic bar here in Chrislip, you’d think that he’d spoil his perfect record somewhere, perhaps in American Geography, where Professor Milkin is known to give sympathetic fools a mercy “D” if they can point to the United States on a world map.
As he left Grawn Hall for the last time, Archer credited his academic demise to Budweiser and YouPorn.com. “Sue me, I’m not a multitasker. I can only concentrate on a couple of things at a time. I only have two hands.”
When asked how he’ll be purchasing his beer and porn in the future, Archer explained, “I went to Business Marketing once and I remember them saying that if you’re going to start a business, make it something that you know, and if I know anything, it’s porn. They also said to find a market niche and I’m thinking the Amish porn market is wide open. They’ve never seen Need for Seed 4 or Playtime for Perverts 2 or Superwhores 14. What untapped potential! No one has ever made an Amish porn movie. I was thinking that I could be artistic by cutting between images of some dude plowing his field and his girl riding a horse. I even had my porn name all picked out. Then I realized that the Amish don’t have DVD players.”
This reporter pointed out that even if they did, they lack the electricity to run a DVD player.
“Wait a minute, wait a minute. The Amish don’t have electricity, so they don’t have computers. They’ve never seen the Internet or Internet porn. I’d be like a God to these people!” shouted Archer, prompting an image of a beer-swilling, porn-watching Gulliver masturbating onto the heads of Lilliputians. It is an image that this reporter has been trying ever since to scrub from his brain with a mental scouring pad. “I could charge teenage Amish dudes to watch Asian Sorority Sluts or Boy Meats Girl on my laptop. Flunking out of college could be the best thing that ever happened to me.”
As they say, when one door closes, the Good Lord opens a window into a dank, smut-filled basement. Laptop in tow, Joel Archer boarded a bus for Lancaster, Pennsylvania, leaving Chrislip, Michigan, a little less creepy. He may be a pervert, but he’s their pervert now.