Local News: Some Chrislip Children Choose College over Jail

Some Chrislip Children Choose College over Jail

With the economy here in Chrislip as bad as anywhere else in Michigan, Sheriff Clint Kennedy was facing some tough choices when the county announced a mandatory 20% budget cutback for all departments.  Having already released all of the non-violent felons in the last cutback and with staffing levels already cut to the bone, Kennedy was facing a difficult situation.  But that’s when desperation turned to innovation.  “I’m the first to admit that our facilities aren’t anything to write home about.  Sure the cells smell of urine and the place is noisy and rundown, but is that really any worse than the rooms at a Motel 6?  And they charge $60 a night.”  Starting last month, the Sheriff began charging his charges $30 per day.  Inmates are required to pay their bill before release.  This can be a burden on inmates’ families, who often have to foot the bill for the release of their relatives. 

Sensing an opportunity, Chrislip Community Bank has begun offering a new type of savings account.  “It’s like a Christmas Club that allows families of bad kids to save for their eventual incarceration,” says bank President Ken McConnell, who recommends opening an account for any children who repeatedly need to be placed in time-out.  “If you start saving early,” says McConnell, “prison might be cheaper than Ritalin.  And that’s not even factoring in the money you’ll waste on tuition before the kid drops out.”

Chrislip officials recommend preparing young children for incarceration

Chrislip officials recommend preparing for your child’s eventual incarceration

In the unlikely case that your kid doesn’t go bad, the money can be used at Chrislip College, where tuition is $120 per credit hour.  Dean Marner is confident that some kids will chose Chrislip College over jail.  Says Marner, “Our rates might be higher than Sheriff Kennedy’s, but do they allow beer bongs in prison?  They don’t, do they?”

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